Rejection.

I believe there are 10 stages of emotions after being put on an alternate list at one's top medical school.

1. Disappointment: Wow. Bummer.
2. Confusion: Wait, I thought I felt good about this med school?
3. Re-checking the school's email to see if the school mis-typed something (I mean, it's pretty easy to accidentally type "You got put on the much less exciting alternate-list" instead of "You have been accepted")
4. Running through the interview in slow motion in one's mind, analyzing the interviewers' faces. Was that grimace during my answer in response to his stomach pain? Or did he really not like my answer? Was the fact that he shut his eyes for an extremely long time a bad sign?
5. Doubting abilities of self: Wow, I obviously suck. I probably can't even do any of my normal activities anymore. I hope I am competent enough to drive home...
6. Doubting one's ability to dress for success: I knew I should've gone with the gold tie instead of red. Wow, I probably should just stick to pajamas the rest of my life.
7. Dispair: This med school was a perfect location, fit, and everything! Now what am I going to do?!?! I mean I should be thankful I got into another med school, but I'd rather freak out!
8. Considering throwing the problem into God's hands, then reconsidering: It's better to try really hard myself right? Otherwise it might show weakness of myself...
9. Repeat steps 1-7.
10. Finally accepting that God has a greater plan. Then giving it all to Him.

So while some of these emotions or "stages" may be a bit extreme, all of them (sadly) are ones that I've stepped through. I recently found out that I got placed on the alternate list at Des Moines University, which was my first choice for medical schools since I started to apply to places. Needless to say, I was a bit bummed. Then I went through the ten stages.

I must say, there's an amazing growth process when you get to stage 8. I think I've hit stage 8 in my life many, many times; I like to call it the "There's only one real great option here, Brendan, but you're probably going to try to do this on your own again" stage. It's amazing how God uses pain and disappointment to bring you back to Him and remind you that His plan is the ultimate one.

There are so many times I feel like I hold up my life map (which I've cleverly designed to plot out my life) to the heavens and cry out "Why?! I had my life had all planned out! It was supposed to go like this!" The response from God goes something like this:

"Wait, you mean that thing? That map is scribbled in crayon, and the only destinations you have labeled are 'College', 'Des Moines University', and 'helping people'. What you don't see are the dangers and hazards, nor do you see the wonderful blessings I have in store for you on the narrow path I want to lead you down...you didn't draw that path on your map, Brendan. " Then God laughs lovingly at how poor of an artist I am. I mean, He can...I am pretty horrible at art.

The one thing that I'm choosing to do now that I don't normally do is that I've finally decided to go to stage 10. It's only been a few days since I found out the "terrible" news, and I already feel tired and worn out from the stress of running through scenarios and trying to beat myself up about it. Did I not pray enough? What about the awesome global health program at DMU? How many questions did I screw up during the interview? What could I have done better?

At a certain point, after beating my head against the wall of rejection, which awkwardly stands between me and being at peace, I decided to grab the extended arm of Jesus, ready and willing to hoist me over that obstacle. It's just not worth it: The doubting, the insecurity, the frustration--none of it is worth my time and energy. The yoke of Jesus is easy...the yoke of Brendan weighs about as much as King Kong. Doing it on my own is like watching Jesus run up to the top of a "hill" in my life, yelling "Come on Brendan! Look at the awesome stuff I have for you...something you won't even expect!" I'm about a country mile back, at the bottom of the hill, dragging my anxieties (which in my mind looks like a ball-and-chain.) "Um, yeah...just a second!"

So, as of now, I'm tossin it up to God. I don't know if I'll get into DMU (I mean, I'll sure as heck be praying for it), but regardless, I'm shootin for being content. God has blessed me amazingly! Only one medical school? It could be zero. Not ideal? Neither is the situation that I've seen millions of people living in during my trips to Ethiopia and Egypt. Sorting garbage in Egypt for a small wage to sustain your family? That's not ideal. When I want to feel sorry for myself, this verse seems to conveniently pop into my head:"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5: 16-18

To God be the glory.