Crazy Love.

Check this video out...

Oh Child --Nevertheless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnyE6Cx6X0I

So, it's been awhile, so I'll try to write something for you that will brighten your day.

God's love.

No, but seriously. Stop. Look at the previous line. Think about it for 3o seconds. What does that mean to you? Whether you're a Christian or not, what do you think of that?

I started writing a really long blog about Job...I'll use it later, but I felt like this is what I needed to get off my chest. A couple days ago on a 4 hour trip back from Omaha to Cedar Rapids, I shut off my car's CD player, which is a big deal...because I'm kind of frightened by too much silence (that'll be a whole other blog post someday). But the things I was reminded of were amazing. I'm finishing up Francis Chan's Crazy Love, which challenges me, makes me uncomfortable in many ways, but most importantly, helps me to remember how much God loves me.

When it comes to God's promises and love, I have the memory of...well, something with a really short memory. God could drop a 10,000 rose bouquet outside of my apartment that says "Brendan, I love you. A lot. Don't forget. XOXO God." I'd probably be in shock, but after the warm fuzzies wore off the next day and I did something wrong or stupid, I'd question whether God could possibly love me. Then God would drop a ginormous, 3-ton stuffed teddy bear in front of me on my way to class. "Brendan, seriously. I love you. I'm not kidding. XOXO." Then I'd repeat the cycle.

I wish I was kidding.

I think that's why I was so amazed as I drove in my car and started thinking. This whole thing, this whole life, is about love. God's crazy love for me. God's lovingly constant pursuit for me. Whether we think about it or not, God loves us. Whether we love Him back or not, He loves us. Whether we've walked to the ends of the earth just to avoid God, He loves us. When I fall flat on my face in my humanness, the God of love is reaching down with his loving hand to bring us into his loving embrace...and lovingly smile at me...God is love.

It's amazing how standard that sounds. "Yeah, I know God loves me." I think I heard a vacation Bible school song about that once..." But I can't state it any better or more exciting than that! The God of the universe is willing to have a relationship with us? Yeah...but what about all those mean things I said to my roommate about his cooking skills? What about the times that I forget to come to you daily? What about the pride I struggle with? What about my love handles and deteriorating biceps? What about that time that I doubted your ability to deliver in the clutch?

And God's response?

Shhhhhh...What about My love?

For me, I'm learning to stop and listen. It's the amazing convo I have with long-time friends. It's the family of deer that jog past me in the middle of the woods. It's the warmth in my heart when I see a toddler stumbling her way to her parents. It's the snow that falls on my nose and rests on the pine trees. It's the long-anticipated answered prayer. It's the death of His Son on a cross. It's His love.

Take it or leave it, God's love is here, there, and everywhere. As John Piper says, "God in eternity looked upon me, forseeing my faultness, my pride, my sin and said 'I want that man in my family, I will pay for him to be in my family-- with my son's life. That's Love, folks. That is mega, off-the-charts love!!!"

Really, though. Smile. God loves you. A lot.

Rejection.

I believe there are 10 stages of emotions after being put on an alternate list at one's top medical school.

1. Disappointment: Wow. Bummer.
2. Confusion: Wait, I thought I felt good about this med school?
3. Re-checking the school's email to see if the school mis-typed something (I mean, it's pretty easy to accidentally type "You got put on the much less exciting alternate-list" instead of "You have been accepted")
4. Running through the interview in slow motion in one's mind, analyzing the interviewers' faces. Was that grimace during my answer in response to his stomach pain? Or did he really not like my answer? Was the fact that he shut his eyes for an extremely long time a bad sign?
5. Doubting abilities of self: Wow, I obviously suck. I probably can't even do any of my normal activities anymore. I hope I am competent enough to drive home...
6. Doubting one's ability to dress for success: I knew I should've gone with the gold tie instead of red. Wow, I probably should just stick to pajamas the rest of my life.
7. Dispair: This med school was a perfect location, fit, and everything! Now what am I going to do?!?! I mean I should be thankful I got into another med school, but I'd rather freak out!
8. Considering throwing the problem into God's hands, then reconsidering: It's better to try really hard myself right? Otherwise it might show weakness of myself...
9. Repeat steps 1-7.
10. Finally accepting that God has a greater plan. Then giving it all to Him.

So while some of these emotions or "stages" may be a bit extreme, all of them (sadly) are ones that I've stepped through. I recently found out that I got placed on the alternate list at Des Moines University, which was my first choice for medical schools since I started to apply to places. Needless to say, I was a bit bummed. Then I went through the ten stages.

I must say, there's an amazing growth process when you get to stage 8. I think I've hit stage 8 in my life many, many times; I like to call it the "There's only one real great option here, Brendan, but you're probably going to try to do this on your own again" stage. It's amazing how God uses pain and disappointment to bring you back to Him and remind you that His plan is the ultimate one.

There are so many times I feel like I hold up my life map (which I've cleverly designed to plot out my life) to the heavens and cry out "Why?! I had my life had all planned out! It was supposed to go like this!" The response from God goes something like this:

"Wait, you mean that thing? That map is scribbled in crayon, and the only destinations you have labeled are 'College', 'Des Moines University', and 'helping people'. What you don't see are the dangers and hazards, nor do you see the wonderful blessings I have in store for you on the narrow path I want to lead you down...you didn't draw that path on your map, Brendan. " Then God laughs lovingly at how poor of an artist I am. I mean, He can...I am pretty horrible at art.

The one thing that I'm choosing to do now that I don't normally do is that I've finally decided to go to stage 10. It's only been a few days since I found out the "terrible" news, and I already feel tired and worn out from the stress of running through scenarios and trying to beat myself up about it. Did I not pray enough? What about the awesome global health program at DMU? How many questions did I screw up during the interview? What could I have done better?

At a certain point, after beating my head against the wall of rejection, which awkwardly stands between me and being at peace, I decided to grab the extended arm of Jesus, ready and willing to hoist me over that obstacle. It's just not worth it: The doubting, the insecurity, the frustration--none of it is worth my time and energy. The yoke of Jesus is easy...the yoke of Brendan weighs about as much as King Kong. Doing it on my own is like watching Jesus run up to the top of a "hill" in my life, yelling "Come on Brendan! Look at the awesome stuff I have for you...something you won't even expect!" I'm about a country mile back, at the bottom of the hill, dragging my anxieties (which in my mind looks like a ball-and-chain.) "Um, yeah...just a second!"

So, as of now, I'm tossin it up to God. I don't know if I'll get into DMU (I mean, I'll sure as heck be praying for it), but regardless, I'm shootin for being content. God has blessed me amazingly! Only one medical school? It could be zero. Not ideal? Neither is the situation that I've seen millions of people living in during my trips to Ethiopia and Egypt. Sorting garbage in Egypt for a small wage to sustain your family? That's not ideal. When I want to feel sorry for myself, this verse seems to conveniently pop into my head:"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5: 16-18

To God be the glory.

Purpose Worth Dying For.

I sure hope this blog isn't like many other endeavors I've started and moved on from, completely unfinished, mostly because I have the attention span of a squirrel after a can of energy drink. So I'm praying this works :)

Having said that, my intention for this blog is to chart and record my journey through the last few months of college and beyond: the journey of a college student, of a boy trying to become a man, of someone who is trying to make a relationship with Jesus real, relevant, and important. So, this blog will probably seem scatter-brained, discombobulated, convoluted, and confusing at times, which might be a direct reflection of the author. However, I hope it's also real. I hope it's a pick-me-up for someone who starts the day by spilling coffee down their front, gets a speeding ticket, and gets fired all in one day. I hope it's something that people can laugh at. I hope it's something that people read and walk away feeling challenged, possibly refreshed, or maybe even uneasy, but I ultimately hope this blog is a blessing to someone like me: a person simply wanting to be "after God's own heart" and daily learning what that actually looks like.

The Mark Bible study that I'm leading was looking at the first chapter, where it discusses the life (and death) of John the Baptist. What'd I take from looking at John? Jesus. From what it seemed, every part of John's life pointed to Jesus. Whether it was the locusts he was munching on or his stench due to his inclination to ignore taking a bath and instead preach the good news of Jesus, everything about him said "I am not the greatest--I am only showing you the One who is." Oh, and then he got his head chopped off. Everything he does is to roll out the red carpet for Jesus.

So I got to thinking, and it still somewhat disturbs me. Would I eat locusts and honey for Jesus? I wear rags for Jesus? Would I literally lose my head for Jesus? I'll even back down from the "extreme" questions: Would I not go to medical school if Jesus asked? If I was trapped on an island with Jesus, would that be okay? Or would I need Sportscenter in the morning and my favorite salt and vinegar Pringles in the afternoon to be happy?

It sounds silly to be trapped on an island with Jesus and not pay attention to Him, but that's what I do a lot of days. I go through the motions, acting as if the most important thing I am doing and preparing the way for is...well, myself. The only red carpet I roll out is my own, so at the end of the day I have a silly, silly notion that my life I live is my own.

Absolutely not. I pray right now and always that He reminds me of the purpose of my life, of every breath I take in day, of me. I pray that I can learn to be a John: willing to suffer for Him, taking all praise and adoration directed towards me and aim it to the One who deserves it, and knowing that this whole life is about none other than choosing into a relationship with the Creator of heaven and Earth. I pray that I may decrease so He may increase.

Blessings